Everyone is a little scared every once in a while, but some things keep wandering through my mind and keep me up until the early hours, haunting me every day and night.
I’m scared of multiple things, like spiders and gulls, but the thing that scares me the most is the only thing we can’t and probably won’t ever control: time.
I’m so incredibly scared to waste my life. To not be able to do what I always wanted to and thinking that for some things, it might already be too late. That I’ll regret not doing that one thing that I’ve always been dying to do. I fear regretting not doing something.
I think about it a lot. What will happen in the future? What if I plan out my future, will it happen that way? Or will I be let down? What if I miss that amazing opportunity? But what if I don’t plan out my future, will I ever become something? What will happen to me? Am I really as underachieving as everyone always tells me? These kind of questions follow me every single day.
I really don’t like the following question: “Where do you see yourself in -blank- years?”, simply because I don’t have an answer to it.
I don’t want to live the regular life, you see? I don’t want to be born, go to school, go to college, go work, have a family, retire and eventually die. I want to be able to have a story to tell.
I constantly change my mind about what I’d like to do in the future. I just don’t know my passions yet. I try to find the common things in them and keep narrowing them down, becoming more and more specific. I hope that by the time I have to choose what I want to study I will know what I want and won’t just choose a study because I have to.
I am in year eleven from high-school and I guess you could say I’m pretty smart. But I absolutely hate studying. I feel like there is this pressure on me, that I have to choose something with a lot of theoretical things and go do something that people expect from someone with a ‘smart’ mind like mine. I am told so many times that some people would kill to have my intelligence and that puts so much pressure on me.
I have to admit it’s kinda scary to talk about this. I never really talk about these things, but it feels good to finally put my thoughts into words and let it go. I’m sorry if this was kinda random, I just wrote it down and didn’t stop writing until I felt like I was done.
What is your biggest fear?
Let me know in the comments below!